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50 Great George Carlin Quotes






   

1.“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” 
― George Carlin

2.“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” 
― George Carlin

3.“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” 
― George Carlin

4.“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” 
― George Carlin

5.“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” 
― George Carlin

6.“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” 
― George Carlin

7.“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” 
― George Carlin

8.“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” 
― George Carlin

9.“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ” 
― George Carlin

10.“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” 
― George Carlin

11.“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” 
― George Carlin

12.“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.” 
― George Carlin

13.“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? 
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? 
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.” 
― George Carlin

14.“Meow” means “woof” in cat.” 
― George Carlin

15.“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.” 
― George Carlin

16.“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” 
― George Carlin

17.“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.” 
― George Carlin

18.“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” 
― George Carlin

19.“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.” 
― George Carlin

20.“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” 
― George Carlin

21.“I'm completely in favor of the 
separation of Church and State. 
... These two institutions screw us up enough 
on their own, so both of them together is 
certain death.” 
― George Carlin

22.“I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” 
― George Carlin

23.“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” 
― George Carlin

24.“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.” 
― George Carlin

25.“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.” 
― George Carlin

26.“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.” 
― George Carlin

27.“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” 
― George Carlin

28.“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” 
― George Carlin

29.“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” 
― George Carlin

30.“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” 
― George Carlin

31.“How is it possible to have a civil war?” 
― George Carlin

32.“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.” 
― George Carlin

33.“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.” 
― George Carlin

34.“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” 
― George Carlin

35.“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?” 
― George Carlin

36.“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?” 
― George Carlin

37.“I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.” 
― George Carlin

38.“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.” 
― George Carlin

39.“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” 
― George Carlin

40.“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.” 
― George Carlin

41.“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck” 
― George Carlin

42.“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” 
― George Carlin

43.“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” 
― George Carlin

44.“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” 
― George Carlin

45.“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.” 
― George Carlin

46.“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.” 
― George Carlin

47.“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?” 
― George Carlin

48.“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.” 
― George Carlin

49.“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ” 
― George Carlin

50.“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.” 
― George Carlin

50 Great George Carlin Quotes 50 Great George Carlin Quotes Reviewed by Tim on November 03, 2018 Rating: 5

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